Warts and all

I caught the second half of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ on Channel 4 last night. The idea is that they set up a mobile doctor’s surgery in the middle of a town centre and encourage people to come in and talk to the doctors about their embarrassing problems. Too shy to discuss it with your regular GP? Then why not talk to a stranger while a camera crew film everything! I mean, fair play to these people – it takes bravery and if it encourages others to overcome their fears then it’s a good thing – but I can’t help wondering what happens to them after the show is aired. If you were to appear on a game show, for example, you’d probably ring round and tell everyone. Your neighbour would mention it in the morning, joke about getting an autograph, everyone at work would do the same. It would be fun to bask in your mild, fleeting fame. But this? Would you warn Auntie Rita to set her Sky+ for an in-depth analysis of your piles? Would you keep it to yourself and pray that everyone missed it, carefully concocting a cover story about an unfortunate doppelganger who happens to share your name? Would you get into work and find that a colleague had put it on YouTube and emailed it round the office? It wouldn’t just be your family and friends though. You’d be in the fruit and veg aisle at Tesco when some old lady taps you on the shoulder.

Lady: “Excuse me, do I know you?”
WPM: “I don’t think so.”
Lady: “Are you sure? You look awfully familiar.”
WPM: “I think you’re mistaken. Sorry.”
Lady: “Oh, I know what it was! You were on telly the other night – you’re the Warty Penis Man!”
WPM: “Well, er…”
Lady: “How’s it going? Have they cleared up now?”
WPM: “Fine, yes. Now if you’ll excuse me…”
Lady: “Oh, I don’t mean to bother you, but could you just sign this over-ripe banana for me?”

It’s on again tonight, if you’re feeling brave.